All posts by Ariasrose

Wife of the big dumb author, Brandon. Hi, nice to meet you!

Sailor Moon Crystal- Episode 1

Hi everyone! (Or anyone who reads this blog, I dunno lol)


Melissa here, posting on behalf on Brandon for this girly crappy show. Just kidding, it’s pretty good so far! But first; a little about myself.

I am currently engaged to Mr. Daramue himself (gasp so speshul uhu) and have been in a relationship with him for six years now. It’s been a wild ride, super fun with my best friend, blah blah blah more girly blubberings. Okay, on to the cool stuff. I’ll tell you more about me later.

Think back to a time when you were a little kid. You run home from school, jump face first off the bus and land with a thud as the crotchety old lady who smells of slight whiskey almost runs you over. Good times, right? Yeah, pretty cool. ON WITH THE SHOW. So you’re coming home from school,  you get in the door and throw down your backpack. All is well in your little gradeschooler world. Plop down in front of the boob-tube with a sammich and switch on Toonami. Ah yes, Toonami. The thing that made me miss my homework at least 3 times a week, kept me up at night all the time thinking about what was going to happen the next day, and made my afternoons a wonderful thing. Childhood wonderment…. what a wonder. (/shot)

Sailor Moon was one of those shows that pretty much opened the Toonami block (that and Hamtaro but..huhu.) and it opened my eyes to anime pretty much. I was just a kid looking for something to watch and it just sauntered on in, all pretty, AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE HOLY SHIT. It was the most foreign, beautiful, and amazing thing I saw at the time.  The colors! The music! The voices…>>; The FIGHTS!

“Wow!” I thought to myself. “That’s pretty amazing girls can fight like this! I wanna be like her when I grow up!” Sure, that’s what all little girls say when they meet their idols in a tv show, BUT I MEANT IT.  I wanted so much to be like the Sailor Senshi.  I painted my nails and ran around spinning on the playgrounds thinking that if I screamed just loud enough, and my nails were just sparkly enough; I’d HENSHIN- A- GOGO- BABY. But I didn’t. Life was cruel. So cruel. (/ crying.)

But you all may be asking… “But Missi! You speak with such high regard for the old Sailor Moon! You’re gonna be blinded by nostalgia glasses. YOU CAN’T REVIEW THIS. GET OUT LOSER.” And at that point I’d decide to either pick my nose and flick it at you (Gross, I know; but you don’t want that, and I don’t want that. So don’t do bad stuff meanies.) or just break down and cry because I’m a big, fat, smelly baby. Yeah. @w@/)

I can promise you that I will be keeping my eyes open and NOT blinded by no-stahl-ay-gee-uh. As  per Shawn, Brandon’s brother.

Okay, so on to the bloodbath.

So we open the show just like how we did before. Usagi being a big dumbshit and oversleeping. TYPICAL ANIMU GAL AMIRITE? Where’s the toast?! Where’s the missing sock?! The upskirt?! Oh… it’s.. not there? Okay. So far so good.

Usagi decides to run like a crazy bitch to school, squeaking and squacking just like old days when OH NO, CAT. LOOK OUT.  Poor cat gets massacred, show’s over idiots.

*Credits roll.*

No no, they don’t. I’m channeling Brandon’s humor. Is it working? *w*;?

So, this cat is kinda strange and all what with dumb bandaids on it head and stuff. Cool! Let’s rip it off the thing! So, Usagi does what any PETA member would do and free the cat from it’s shackles of oppression! What’ this? It has a strange mark on it’s forehead? Hm, odd. But okay! On with the show!

Usagi does her school thing (Psst, she’s the main character, she sucks at school. All she does is goof off and get bad marks. Oops.) and then decides to head out with her friends for a bit of fun. Heading over to her friend’s jewelry store, they look over some pretty awesome shit. Huge sale going on though, so they can’t get a buttcheek in edgewise. Too many middle aged cat-ladies in the way. Usagi heads on out, BUT SUDDENLY!!!! A BISHIE APPEARS!

“Who’s the douche in a tuxedo? What a luzer. No mesos for that arse. He’s…kinda cute though…” Thinks Usagi as she goes home after an extremely awkward meeting. WHOOP, ZAT VAS AWKVARD.

So, Usagi makes her way home and gets scolded by mom and douchebaggy little brother. What a toolbag. Go home and listen to Seether or something you little twat.

Usagi heads to bed, tummy a grumblin’, when all of a sudden, that cat appears again! And…it talks? HOLY SHIT. BURN IT. IT’S A WITCH.  Her name is Luna, and she’s here to tell Usagi of her mission! To gather the other sailor scouts and save the town! Great… how though? Usagi needs to become Sailor Moon!

On to the most horrid bastardization of everyone’s childhood ever.  The transformation sequence. HOLY FUCK THEY KILLED IT. Shoddy CGI? In my anime? Missi, your standards are too high! No. No no no. This is fucking Sailor Moon, and you’re going to say that’s an acceptable henshin sequence? Good god guys. You have the guy who worked on fucking STAR DRIVER and your trans sequence looks like this? U shame hole famiree.

Whatever, it was shit, we all know it. On with it.

Usagi runs down to where all the shit is going down, and HOLY FUCK ZOMBIES.  Run Usagi, you twit! Nope, bitch still thinks it’s a dream and gets her ass handed to her by a bunch of scary zombie cat-ladies.

Usagi, who has now thoroughly run out of ideas, just reverts to crying… but not just any crying mind you. She channels Danny Phantom and uses her ghostly wail to fend off the zombie ladies. Useful right? Yeah… kinda!

With her chance to get out of the thick hoards of zombies,  Usagi begins to panic and runs away like a baby again.




A mysterious man in a tuxedo beckons guidance from the balcony of the atrium, helping Usagi destroy her aggressors with ease! All is swell! The land is safe!  But the masked man with the nice ass makes his quick escape, not a clue left behind. He flirts with Usagi of course, just before jumping off the roof like a badass. Usagi promptly wets herself by witnessing how cool he is, and heads on home like nothing happened.

EXCEPT SOMETHING DID HAPPEN. The next day, her school is abuzz about some new Super Heroine that has surfaced, solidifying Usagi’s fears that the night before wasn’t a dream at all.  She now had to come to terms that she had truly become Sailor Moon!


Thanks all, for reading my first post! Tune in next time for episode 2 of Sailor Moon Crystal! I had a blast writing this, and I promise you they won’t all be this long! Don’t kill me.

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